The Adult Life (Not a Happy One)

Remember how when we were kids, all we ever wanted was to grow up. Asking money for candies, toys or that movie. Oh how are ego was hurt. How we had to explain why we wanted what we wanted.

Well, our perception of adulthood was the most incorrect one I must say. All the adults actually spend most of their time figuring out where their money is going away! I must say it is so difficult. All we worry about is how to earn the money that we seem to be losing away so easily.

We no longer have the time to figure out what we actually want. We no longer have to explain our money spending behavior to anyone else. And oh how I wish I did have to!

Now I have all the money in the world, which goes away in seconds time. And no clue on where it is going.

And why.. why do we have to behave like adults. I basically have zero ability to convince anyone. I can't still be adult about it. In front of my close ones, I am a total brat. Never appreciated ofcourse. In front of people I am not close to, God forbid if I say no to these people. And well, with strangers it makes me comfortable to believe I am under the cloak of invisibility. 

I basically have no clue as to where life is going up. Still makes no sense that we grew up to be such stressed out human beings. Why do we care so much about doing well in our jobs and have no time for our loved ones? 

Why can't I just travel and have no task list on my mind. I swear to God, there are elves inside my head. I basically fall off sleeping of all the PENDING ACTION ITEMS, and when I wake up, the list just keeps increasing. The worst time is when I travel to work. Oh the traffic. So we are these bunch of adults on the road trying to take up each and every inch just to get ahead. I mean.. this is just on the way to work. Must I explain how it is at work?

I keep thinking we are meant to do more, than be monotonous. But maybe us adults are nothing different from those monkeys in that experiment. Anyone who tries to actually get to the banana must be hurt. Anyone who is different is the biggest damage to human society. 

All Along It Was All About You

So, here I am. After completing MBA, sitting in Milan wondering what to do next.

Well, I have a few people, really close to my heart going through turmoils in life. And I keep wondering, how to help them, what advise to give to them to help them cope up with the situation. And after all the time I have spent on thinking about this, I have come up with a brilliant answer. It is about you. It always has been, and always will be.

You keep wondering through these downs of your life, what have I done to deserve this, and how the hell will I get out of this unharmed and alive. Well, nothing really. Just concentrate on yourself.

People might love you, people might hate you. But what really matters is do you love yourself?

No one knows you better than you know yourself. So, is there really a need to change and be someone else? Nope. Your love for yourself will keep all the worries away. And when those big blocks come in your life to stop you from being happy, all you have to do is believe in yourself. And also remember, that nothing is permanent. Someone close to my heart reminded me this, when I was going through another difficult situation.

Your situation will get sorted out.

I will bore you and again repeat that no one knows you better than yourself. You know your weaknesses and you strengths. Sit down and take your own interview. Do you need this milestone to be achieved? If yes, you know where you are going wrong. Work on that. Will that make you look bad in front of people. It might, it might not. But does that matter? Friends and family, will love you no matter what happens. Real friends will definitely do.

We might think, just to fit in a certain group, to behave in a certain way. Being cool and popular is really not something you need to work on. You need to work on your goals. And once you achieve your goal, success, popularity, the "Cool" factor and everything you wish to achieve will be there. Patience and belief in yourself will take you there.

Love yourself. Others who matter will automatically love  you. If that means, you have to be a bitch, go ahead. If that means you have to be obnoxious, be boring for some people. Do it. Being in IMT, there have always been the people I have disliked. And trust me, it gave me more stress than it probably did to to them. And then I had it all figured out. They are who they are. They have their own set of friends, and so do I. Then why waste time disliking someone? We are different people. Let's just agree to disagree and move on with our own lives. Today, I might not love everyone I have come across, but I do respect them for taking their own stand and being who they are. And you know how I have been able to do that? I love and respect myself. And now I see, that they are doing just the same. And that is how it is done my friends. And that is how you will achieve what you want to, and what you need to.

Don't be distracted by these little blocks in life. Jump over them or break them and move one. One goal after another. This is life. This was never supposed to be a smooth ride. At the end of the day, you have yourself. And when you realize that, there will be no relationship you need to validate yourself. Relationships are for support and love. Not for validation.

No one, no thing, no event can validate who you are as a person. Just believe in yourself, respect yourself.

My advice will not make your worries go away, but it sure will make your ride easier. Life is too short to waste it on worries. Change is inevitable. And only your belief in yourself will help you get through.

At the end of it all, if no one is standing next to you, you yourself will be there. You will not be alone.

Being a Woman

I can't put a finger on the emotion that I go through every time I hear that another one of my kind has been raped and then left humiliated on the road alone. I first choose to ignore it. Then I think again. If it was someone I knew, it would break my heart. I feel terrified. For my loved ones. My younger siblings. And then I think again. What if it was me. And then the horror surrounds me for days. I travel suspiciously. Taking note of the auto that I travel in. Calling people and mentioning where I am after every few minutes. I look at every man with disgust.

And then begins the great Indian family drama. Girls have curfews. Girls are scolded. Girls are told what to wear, where to go, when to go. But why?

The problem is that we oppose rapes because we think women are weak and they should be protected. If it happens to one girl, we assume that it might happen to others. We go on a defensive mode. Making women feel weaker. There is a thin line between caring for someone and making someone feel incapable to take care of oneself. That thin line is crossed every time you put a curfew on your daughter, you go pick up you sister after dark, and dare your wife smiles at some stranger! Why?

How can we be responsible when we are harassed and still be weak at the same time? Confuses me every single time.

Being protective is out of love. I understand that and appreciated the care. But we need to understand that empowering women is the only way this society can change.Respect for individuals. We all need to learn that. It doesn't mean I am above you as I am a woman. It just means that I m no one less either.

A woman needs to know that she will not be judged and looked down upon with every decision she takes. Being a career woman, doesn't make you bad wife. Being independent doesn't make you any less cultured. Being in relationships other than a marriage doesn't mess up your character. Being married doesn't mean your husband is your god.

Being a woman, I need my independence. I choose not to be weak. Life is complicated and unpredictable. Things will not always go your way. If something goes wrong, I want to fight against it, not hide it to protect myself from the judgmental eyes of the society. I need to be an individual, who needs to be loved and not be protected. And I am sure, that is what the female you love and respect, your mother, your daughter, your sister, your wife, your friend needs from you.

The Lost Global Citizen : Part Two

Dad was soon posted to Kathmandu after the Royal Family Massacre. Not a great time to go, but probably I learnt the most about the beautiful country then.

New school, new friends, and the old dear basketball. It was a bliss. I met my sarcasm mentor, Megha Ramesh. We would scribble and draw all day long in our books, especially in the 'Hindi' textbook. 'PARIBHASHA' was never our thing.

And with the course of time, I had to come with the inevitable face of every student in India : The BOARD EXAMS. It is such a big deal. I belonged to the batch after whom, the following batches would have a different syllabus. And in my opinion, the easier syllabus! Cause for them, attaining a 90 percent is just an average score. For my batch, score in 80s was not that bad!

I was torn between my love for basketball, and the extra hours of study forced upon me by my parents. No sir! I didn't want to study at all! And then came the mid-term exams, grade 10. I got 57 in maths. Yes. My parents had a mini heart attack, but the real victim was the television. It was asked to go away till I got a decent score in my pre-Board exams. I don't know whether that was helpful or not, but I did manage to get a 97 in my finals.

A huge fuss is created around boards exams. And frankly speaking, when you reach eleventh grade, all you wanna do is "NOT STUDY". It just starts getting worse from there. Those two years of continuous reminder of how important 10th is, you loose interest in what is to happen later in life. Trust me kids, 10th is the easiest of them all. So save up your energy for the years to come!

The next two years was when I realized what a tomboy I was. My first relationship, which lasted for a month. And then all I did was play basketball and badminton. Buying clothes was not really interesting me. And buying fitting clothes was totally against my soul! Getting tanned was never an issue. Boys, were just competition. Yes, crushes were always there, but they eventually did go into the competition group.

What was my real takeaway from Kathmandu? Music! Linkin Park was what I would hear before every exam. It was so encouraging. It worked like coffee for me. Guns n Roses, The Eagles, Cranberries and many more I came in touch with. My friends and classmates were amazing singers and guitarists. It was the most amazing time of my life! My best friend, Abhaya would never say no to a live performance, even on the phone. My love for music took a whole new shape and I was blessed to be surrounded by awesomeness of rock. It was no noise that I thought it was. It was the true, real meaning of life.

Right after the dreadful 12th grade's boards, I headed back to Delhi. My dream of being a doctor took me to the Aakaash institute for a two month crash course. Complete waste of time. I made friends, giggled and stayed up night after night trying to mug up as much as I could for the exam. Nothing. Didn't get into any medical college.

And then came up Delhi University. My saving grace. Miranda House. Botany Honors. The plan was to prepare for the exam for a year. The crowd was amazing. There was so much to do. So many opportunities. Such interesting personalities. Daily, I had a three hour, sweaty yet wonderful bus ride with two old and wonderful friends, Anshu and Lara to reach the north campus. Reaching Kashmere gate in the evening, having a burger daily and always competing to see who finishes first! I would roam around the campus, go to other colleges, attend plays and rock concerts. BLISS. DU is a wonderful place to be. I suggest, anyone who doesn't get into a professional college, and then turns to DU, You are in for the best time of your life. So much to learn. So much to do! But then, a month and I had to leave. My dad's job had done it again. Reservation Quota for children of MEA employees had found me a new place.

I wanted to become a cardiologist, and yet I ended up in Murthal. Chottu Ram State College of Engineering. Haryana. Sonepat. A whole new place. A whole new culture. A very different culture. Here, you must become a part or be consumed by hatred. Boys and Girls must never speak. If they do, then it is probably because they were having sex. No two people from different genders could be friends. But winds of change hit Murthal as well. After my batch, the AIEEE was the criteria for admission. New people, new thoughts, new culture.

I probably learnt the biggest lesson of my life in Murthal. And hence, I don't regret even a second I spent there. I met the craziest and my best friends for life in Murthal. I become a girl from a tomboy. And then from a girl to a woman. I learnt about the caste system. I learnt about the difference which took violent turns in the villages around us. It doesn't dishearten me though. It makes me stronger. Probably for Murthal I will write a whole another post. Probably part three of my journey of being the lost global citizen should be dedicated to the  most eventful four years in Murthal.

The Blind India

An eye for an eye, will make the whole world blind - Mahatma Gandhi

Perhaps, that phenomenon has already occurred in India. We refuse to learn from our history, from our mistakes. We mix religion and politics and get carried away. Everyday.

We elect our leaders, we find faults in them, we condemn them for having faults and then we start our only one way out of any difficult situation, the blame game.

And then again, we elect our leaders. Why is it so difficult to see? That we have to start at the root. It has become a habit, a belief. A politician is a corrupt one. And we believe in it so much, a little hint of corruption and we rub the man's face black.

Every time a situation comes up, we are all set to march at India gate and start our protests. For a day or two. Sometimes an entire week. And then? Did something change? Are we in a better position than before?

Not really. We need to start realizing. That the change actually begins from home. My father's favorite quote, which was used every weekend : "Desh ki safai ke liye sab uth kar chal padte hai, par apne ghar pe safai kisi se nahi hoti."  My siblings and I were the laziest at the "Clean your room" event. And I guess, we all are. Let's take the case of rapes in Delhi. The victim's are now younger and the brutality is more. What is going wrong? Perhaps, we should start at our own homes. Are the children always more scared of their father? Why? Does he scream, loose his patience, hit his children? Stage 1. Dad can scream, be violent and get away with it. Because, it is for our own good. No, don't get me wrong. Dads are usually doing this for the good of their children. But here is where the first difference comes up.

We need to bring equality at home first. Yes, the world out there is nothing less than a big bad hungry wolf. But make it so for the males as well. Or bring freedom to both.

The idea that women are not helpless should be propagated at home only.

The other issue that has come up is the cross border prisoners. To be specific, the age old war of Pakistan and India. This one might never end. Common people suffer every day, for an agenda favoring the few. One Sabrajit Singh for Sanaullah Ranjay. And all that we have now are two distressed families. Who will never be able to hear the voice of their loved ones ever again. And for what? There was a hue and cry over what Pakistan did to an Indian. A few days later, what did we Indians do to a Pakistani? Did we both gain something, or did we both only loose?

And along with that comes the war of religions. WHY? Why is it hard to respect someone's individual decision to reach god in his own way? There are so many modifications to the religion we follow. We do what is convenient for our survival at the end. We all do. And hence, there is no core religion left. And hence, we should leave this topic alone. We are hindering our own progress over God. If you think God is happy with you for trying to protect your religion from some other, think again. Even if India only had one religion, there are many more variances within. Castes will start fighting. We are always worried about voicing the opinions of our society and we are forever quite when the moment comes to express our opinions. This silly fight over differences in lifestyle will never end and will also never be beneficial. Trust me. I am selfish. And if there were any benefits I would support this war. India's strength is it unity in diversity. Let it not become a weakness.

We jump onto bigger issues without ever considering to fix the smaller underlying problems first. We come together, waste our energy, go back home and sleep. And the next morning, again the worries of job and finances comes over. Then why not focus on those issues first? Perhaps happier citizens are the only way to development, to a revolution. To be powerful enough to bring about changes of paramount importance, we first need to be happy and content with ourselves. Quit the blame games and start fighting with the roots, the basic, petite conditions within first. Then, we might be able to bring about the big changes. We might be able to provide solutions to real problems. We might eventually have a chance at what they call as 'Peace & Prosperity'. We might have a chance to finally not be blind ever again.

Moving On..

Moving on is always easier said than done. And if someone would have asked me to move on about a month back, me reply would have been: "Even if I move on, no one will ever get a chance to break me again"

And here I am after a month. A new me. A happier me. An enthusiastic me.

My family and my close friends know the torture that I have been through for the past few years. It was a slow death that I have lived. I have loved and lost many times in between. No ray of happiness was to be seen. Life had become a burden.

Maybe I was stubborn. Maybe I was blinded by the illusion of love. Maybe depression just sucked me inside more and more. Maybe I was just weak.

A month ago if someone would have asked me why I was doing this to myself, I would have replied back: "Because it is true love". And today, even I think that was just a crazy ass reply to the problem. If someone comes up to me and asks  me why did I take so long to break free, I would have no reply. I have no idea now what had taken over me. It now makes no sense to me that I went through this torture day after day, forgiving and loving no less.

But here I am, about to celebrate the 25th year of my life. I have come out of the worst and I feel strong. I feel alive.

I don't know where life will take me from here. But I now I can sing Kate Perry's song out loud: "This is the part of that you will never ever take away from me". My soul, my reason for existence is back where it should be. Within me.

And maybe it is because now I m know as "Hamzi". Maybe because now I am taken care of. Maybe because now my silly tantrums are answered. Maybe because now I am heard.

Whatever the reason it maybe, it is probably the best thing that has happened to me. And again, I would end with the following words:

"It was not about the past. It will never be about the future. It is about the present that I have right here with you." 

Thank you.

Man Made Female Complexities

Women can never be understood. This is one notion every man that I meet has.

Well, to a certain extent it is true. I myself can't really understand myself. But what about you men?  Do you understand yourself? 

I personally believe that every human being is in a constant state of change. Changes in external factors causes changes in our behavior as well. To be your complete self to the outer world is never encouraged. The only thing that makes us believe that we understand ourselves is ego. Ego which makes one resistant to changes.

Don't worry! My real intent of writing this post has nothing to do with introspection. Don't stop reading yet. 

As the title suggest, this piece is going to be related to female complexities. Female complexities that our country has come up with. Complexities like, "PATI PARMESHWAR", every woman should be a homemaker, a woman can't survive alone, and the main complexity, a woman not dressed properly is to be blamed if she is raped.

I had recently read in one of the case studies : "TOO MUCH RESPONSIBILITY AND NO AUTHORISATION" . Apt name to give to the role of women in Indian societies. 

Someone please explain to me in comments how wearing the apt clothes cures a mind of a sick pervert? Here is food for thought : Most women who are raped are wearing the APT CLOTHES. Many say that it depends on the time of the day. Really? So with the sun, a woman's right to choose her sexual partner also goes away, only to come back tomorrow morning? Yes, society has a norm, and should be followed. But what sort of society norm ignores the crimes of men and turn a female victim into a girl who was inviting the trouble?

It makes me sick. To know how people with power misuse their powers. "TOO MUCH AUTHORIZATION, AND VERY LITTLE RESPONSIBILITY". 

It makes me even more sick to hear a woman criticize a female rape victim.

And no, molestation should not go unpunished either. Why did the 17 year old girl in Guwahati get molested. What motivates anyone to harm a child? What sort of revenge a man gets by raping a girl?

A rapist does not really need a motivation to rape. He just needs his sick mind. And all those who criticize rape victims and make their lives a living hell, well maybe your mind needs to be diagnosed as well. Day in and day out, we hide our sick minds with cover of cultural and society norms. The cover will keep you safe and is a luxury, until it happens to you. So wake up now, and start protesting against these crimes against women. Not because women are DEVIS. Because they are human beings.