Moving On..

Moving on is always easier said than done. And if someone would have asked me to move on about a month back, me reply would have been: "Even if I move on, no one will ever get a chance to break me again"

And here I am after a month. A new me. A happier me. An enthusiastic me.

My family and my close friends know the torture that I have been through for the past few years. It was a slow death that I have lived. I have loved and lost many times in between. No ray of happiness was to be seen. Life had become a burden.

Maybe I was stubborn. Maybe I was blinded by the illusion of love. Maybe depression just sucked me inside more and more. Maybe I was just weak.

A month ago if someone would have asked me why I was doing this to myself, I would have replied back: "Because it is true love". And today, even I think that was just a crazy ass reply to the problem. If someone comes up to me and asks  me why did I take so long to break free, I would have no reply. I have no idea now what had taken over me. It now makes no sense to me that I went through this torture day after day, forgiving and loving no less.

But here I am, about to celebrate the 25th year of my life. I have come out of the worst and I feel strong. I feel alive.

I don't know where life will take me from here. But I now I can sing Kate Perry's song out loud: "This is the part of that you will never ever take away from me". My soul, my reason for existence is back where it should be. Within me.

And maybe it is because now I m know as "Hamzi". Maybe because now I am taken care of. Maybe because now my silly tantrums are answered. Maybe because now I am heard.

Whatever the reason it maybe, it is probably the best thing that has happened to me. And again, I would end with the following words:

"It was not about the past. It will never be about the future. It is about the present that I have right here with you." 

Thank you.

Man Made Female Complexities

Women can never be understood. This is one notion every man that I meet has.

Well, to a certain extent it is true. I myself can't really understand myself. But what about you men?  Do you understand yourself? 

I personally believe that every human being is in a constant state of change. Changes in external factors causes changes in our behavior as well. To be your complete self to the outer world is never encouraged. The only thing that makes us believe that we understand ourselves is ego. Ego which makes one resistant to changes.

Don't worry! My real intent of writing this post has nothing to do with introspection. Don't stop reading yet. 

As the title suggest, this piece is going to be related to female complexities. Female complexities that our country has come up with. Complexities like, "PATI PARMESHWAR", every woman should be a homemaker, a woman can't survive alone, and the main complexity, a woman not dressed properly is to be blamed if she is raped.

I had recently read in one of the case studies : "TOO MUCH RESPONSIBILITY AND NO AUTHORISATION" . Apt name to give to the role of women in Indian societies. 

Someone please explain to me in comments how wearing the apt clothes cures a mind of a sick pervert? Here is food for thought : Most women who are raped are wearing the APT CLOTHES. Many say that it depends on the time of the day. Really? So with the sun, a woman's right to choose her sexual partner also goes away, only to come back tomorrow morning? Yes, society has a norm, and should be followed. But what sort of society norm ignores the crimes of men and turn a female victim into a girl who was inviting the trouble?

It makes me sick. To know how people with power misuse their powers. "TOO MUCH AUTHORIZATION, AND VERY LITTLE RESPONSIBILITY". 

It makes me even more sick to hear a woman criticize a female rape victim.

And no, molestation should not go unpunished either. Why did the 17 year old girl in Guwahati get molested. What motivates anyone to harm a child? What sort of revenge a man gets by raping a girl?

A rapist does not really need a motivation to rape. He just needs his sick mind. And all those who criticize rape victims and make their lives a living hell, well maybe your mind needs to be diagnosed as well. Day in and day out, we hide our sick minds with cover of cultural and society norms. The cover will keep you safe and is a luxury, until it happens to you. So wake up now, and start protesting against these crimes against women. Not because women are DEVIS. Because they are human beings.

Are You Serious!

Life is full of surprises at every step.
BUT ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I am questioned by every senior here about my career goal. I am an UPSC aspirant who is here spending money to get a MBA degree. And the reaction to my explanation is usually : "Are you serious?"
Well of course I am serious! I am asked whether my father has too much money too waste. And my reply to that is "Are you serious?" No. I have taken a loan. I am an independent woman who wants to take the responsibility of the decisions I have taken in life.

I should be more diplomatic, but the anger comes on face nonetheless.

So are we serious? About what we really want to do. I feel I should learn to ignore the questions thrown at me regarding the path I have taken. Because what I want to do with my life, is none of anybody's business. And yes! I am serious about this.

If I start doing things just the way others are doing, then I won't be me. That is how it works. I wonder if I ever had to give so many explanations to my parents when it came to the decisions I have taken in life.

But then, maybe I should not get angry. Maybe I should just smile and ignore. I should smile more. I need to relax. I believe in myself. My path might seem a little crazy to many, but my friends, crazy is in. I can lie to you, make up a good enough story and make you believe that I am the perfect MBA student. But then I want you to know the person I am.

Many ask me to lie. They tell me that my honesty will not work in an interview. But there are some favorite seniors of mine. They smile. They give me real advises. And they mean what they say. They tell me to put my honesty in a package which will be desirable to hear. Right they are. And maybe I listen to them, because respectful they are. I look forward to learn from them, despite the fact most of them are freshers. Younger they may be, but when it comes to MBA, a year older they are. No ego issues there!

For a few days, I will shamelessly admit, I regretted that the seniors were back on campus! But things are getting better now. I really like most of them. And a few that I have had arguments with, well I will learn either to forget the arguments or learn to ignore them. Life is again filled with dreams of what I will learn and take away with me from IMT. And now we can concentrate on Academics and studies. And if you believe what I wrote in the previously line, all I have to say to you is "ARE YOU SERIOUS". Dude, this is where the ice breaks and the party begins! Cheers IMT!

IMT : The first week

Nervousness was never there. Not that I had been optimistic and had thought that life here at IMT would be great. It was just that I was ready to give education another fight.

But I was in for a surprise. I am not here for a class. I am here as a participant of a program known as MBA. Studies no longer consist of how much can you retain in your memory, but how you can utilize your brain to its full capacity.

Learn. Unlearn. Relearn. Everyday is a surprise. Surprise that is good. Surprise that makes me wonder why was MBA never part of my planned life. Thank god! He didn't make the mistake and sent me here anyway.

I was prepared to be immune to the tantrums that my roomie might have thrown. And turns out, we had a lot more in common than anyone could have foreseen. With her, its comfort and humor all the time! I was prepared not to receive smiles from my hostel mates, and all I get is smiles. Each and everyone here at IMT has some aura surrounding them. You can tell by the way they talk, the way they walk, that these people will enjoy every situation, but when they will get down to business, they will get it done.

Shy I thought I would be surrounded by such talented people. But no, everyone is so welcoming. Everyone wants you to be comfortable. Friends I have found here.

Every day of the week, we have guest lectures. Many prominent leaders take out their time to come and speak with us. Articulation skills just added more value to their communication skills. Never before in a class, have I not turned around to see what time the lecture will end! They come, and have something new for us to learn everyday. How do they do it? I don't know. But I m inspired, that one day I will also be famous, and end up coming back to this college to give a guest lecture.

No longer do I have books to memorize. I now have case studies to read. And once read, to speak my heart out in class. There are no worries. No answer is right or wrong. No question is stupid. Just say what you heart says and pay attention to what other classmates say. It is amazing, without books and just a single piece of paper in my hand, and I have learnt a lot more than I ever had in such duration of time.

And once the typical day at college ends, the learning doesn't end. There are facilities for major sports here and are usually occupied. Sports. What joy it brings to my heart. I now have female friends, with whom I can sit in the mess and watch the Euro 2012. I can roam around the campus to various canteens and order a maggie anytime I wish to!

So leaving my job and going to college was not a bad idea. Maybe some other college could have felt like a torture. But to be part of IMT Ghaziabad, it is just a blessing.

The Disappearing acts of Differences

I think now I will never understand the true differences which may arise due to caste, country, or religion.

Why can't I see them like most of the orthodox people? Why do I only see a human and not a caste or religion?

Experiences of my life have taught me only one thing. A good heart can be found in anyone. Caste or religion has nothing to do with someone being righteous and brave and honest.

I did my graduation in a college in Haryana. The first time I had to travel back alone to my college, I missed my stop. It was 7:00 in the evening. Dark. Cloudy. And I was on NH1, with no one I knew, in Haryana. Where we have the notion that women are not safe at all. I was in an shared auto. A young man asked me why I looked worried. I told him, that I had missed my stop. He asked me to get off where he got off. I was scared. I checked my phone, and noticed there was not much battery left. He was a jaat. I was just a fresher in college, with no clue about where I was. He told me to cross the road and take another auto back to my stop. It was already dark. He waited with me there. Autos came filled with men. Terrified I was. I thought, I would never be able to reach back to my family again. The young man was on the phone. He called his brother, and asked him to get a bike. Horrified I was. The bike came. He told me he would drop me back to my hostel. I had no choice, but to trust him. And so I did. He dropped me back to hostel, told the warden he was my cousin and I had lost my way. I got into no trouble, and reached back safe and sound. A jaat. On NH1. I never met him again. He never asked for my number. He just made sure I was taken care of. Wanting nothing in return. And he somehow saved my life that day. I have met the meanest of jaats, I have met the sweetest of jaats. So not every man in Haryana is going to take advantage of a lone woman on the road in the middle of nowhere.

Most of the people I meet, have issues with people from different religions. Marrying someone from another religion is such a huge issue. But why? I have been cheated on by a man who belonged to the same religion as I did. And I was in a vulnerable state, when someone from another religion had caught my attention. He knew all about my past, and if wanted to, could have taken advantage of my vulnerability at the moment. He did not. Till date, all he tells me to do, is not let my past affect my present. Him belonging to another religion didn't make him that bad. He is one of the most nicest person I know till date. Rude sometimes, but honest nonetheless.

So isn't that what we all look for? An understanding? Love where one understands exactly what you are going through and not take advantage of the situation?

Prejudices just hinder our development and make us close minded. Yes! We should be safe and be smart! But to stay in hiding because someone is from a different caste or religion. That will never make any sense to  me. I m glad, that I can look beyond prejudices most of the times and meet wonderful people. Maybe life is given for this exact reason. To understand that the difference you see are not of any importance at all. It is the similarities that we don't see, which matter the most.

The Lost Global Citizen : Part 1

For years, thanks to my dad's job I have been around the world and witnessed in true sense what people call the cultural diversity. I was born in Yemen, and of course I don't remember much about Yemen, but yep! That is where I was born.

I started my schooling in Russia. I went to nursery, and I used to speak fluent Russian! I don't recall that either, but yep! That is what I used to do! I remember the beautiful Russian house-help we had, Natasha. Tall and beautiful. She would smoke while she and I traveled back from school to home. I was amazed. My mother had never smoked or had a drink in front of me. I stole one of my dad's cigarette's and hid it with my toys. I would try smoking one as well! I was six. Fortunately, I forgot about the cigarette and my mother found it before I could. I was questioned, for obvious reasons. I told my mother how I saw Natasha smoke. To that my mother answered, "We are Indian women beta. We do not smoke or drink alcohol." And those lines are now etched in my mind. Even when there are times I do try to smoke, I remember what my mother had said, almost 20 years ago.

So for then, being an Indian woman meant to me "NO SMOKING. NO DRINKING". I came back to delhi, and was there for two years. All I can remember from those two years is that I learnt to skate, and I learnt to accept my mistakes and be ready to face the consequences. I had not done my homework, and the teacher was punishing children who forgot to do their homework. I was young and naive. When she came to me, I got up and put my hand forward. I said, "Mam, I have not done my homework. It is my own fault." She asked me to sit down. I was spared from the beating.

Then came the USA. What did I learn from three years there? I learnt not judge. I was only 9 years old, but I could see the cultural difference. I realized by then, somethings were welcomed in a certain culture which might not be liked in another culture. I was sitting next to children from all over the world. And sitting there all I realized was that we might eat different cuisines, might go to different places for worship, may dress differently. But all we really wanted was a holiday and less homework. There was something common. So, I stopped judging the 9 year olds who were dating or cursing. I accepted the fact that they are brought up in their own certain way. And as long as no one was getting hurt, I accepted them as they were with no judgment. And with the virtue of not being judgmental came one more notion to my head : " It really doesn't matter what other's think of you, as long as you know what you are doing is right" .

Boy! Did that get me into trouble or what! I was back in India, in school. I had turned into a tomboy then. I had been introduced to basketball in my Gym classes in New York. I was damn crazy about basketball. But apparently everyone in my class would play volleyball. I started playing basketball on my own. And what followed was a storm of boys. Puberty had just kicked in. Of course I had crushes! But never on the guys who I played with. Big damage to my image! But didn't stop me from playing basketball nonetheless. Eventually I interacted with the girls in class, managed to top among the girls and attained third position in class. The wonders that did! There I learnt one more lesson : " In the end, if you are successful, people will accept you no matter who you are! " .

55 Word Story : Distance

She put down the phone and closed her eyes as a drop of tear made its way out. The doctors said, "We are sorry, he is no more.". But he still was there. Her father's warmth was still there. She still felt protected. The distance might have had increased, but the love could never cease.

55 Word Story : Possession

She frantically searched the drawers and the wardrobe. Nothing. She looked under the bed, behind the curtains, in the bathroom. Nothing at all. Then reality hit her and tears started to roll down her rosy cheeks. She realized that all the evidences of his existence had disappeared. Her most prized possession, her man, was gone.

55 Word Story : GOSSIP

Chinese whispers. She knew the game too well. She knew how the final message was just a manipulation of the initial one. And that is precisely why she didn't care what people thought of her and was never to quick to judge. She was wise enough to know, gossip was the "GROWN UP" Chinese whispers.

55 Word Story : MAGIC

Her imagination ran wild. A little magic, and her problems and stress could disappear. Such thoughts brought an evil smile on her face. Until, her imagination ran so fast, that the magic burst through her imagination and entered into reality. The sudden surge of power was now horrifying. If only she knew, imagination fueled magic.

Cyberspace : The New Reality?

For our parent's generation, family was family. Then we came in. Our family were family and our friends. But for the future generations, trend shows that social network friends will soon become our new found family. Heck, we have our real family on facebook as well!

So where does that take us? Will everything be done in the cyberspace eventually? Friendship, dating, weddings? Is virtual reality an easier to face in than the reality itself? 

You don't have to be around each other 24 hours. You don't have to know their habits which might irritate you. And only if things seem to get serious, you can meet up in the real world. But then, what about the manipulation on the virtual network? How can that virtual friend be more close than the friend who gave a real shoulder to cry on? How are those virtual hugs able to replace the real ones?

I think the reason why we stick to the internet for being friends is because we doubt ourselves. We are scared to show our real selves to anyone. Any appreciation is a boost to our ego on the virtual land. But is that enough? Being praised for someone who you may not be?

It is not like I have not made amazing friends over the internet. Even I am happier with most of my virtual friends than the real ones. But is this situation better than my childhood? When I was younger, the only important thought that passed through my head was that, I need to finish up my work so that I can go out and play. Sitting here on my bed the entire day and tweeting gives me happiness momentarily. But when I lie down to sleep, reality hits and it hits hard. The hugs I got were only virtual. The conversation I had was not face to face. The love that I received will forever be conserved in either tweet or comments only.

Maybe at the end of the day, you should move on with times and still maintain a balance with the past. I would want my children to be excited to go out and play the entire day, than wait to see the comments on their photos and reply to their tweets. That is what I want. Balance between my virtual world and my real world.

But then, that is my opinion. What is yours?

RELATIONSHIP : ONLY QUESTION MARKS.

Relationships. Why do they seem so difficult now. I wonder how our Parent's generation was successful at their's?

These days the notion is that women have become to cunning to stay in a relationship. Really? I think women have become more aware of the reality and they know how to protect themselves. Is that wrong? Is it a must that one should suffer in a relationship for it to be a celebrated one? I think we have the wrong idea. Isn't relationship about trust and chemistry? Should there not be transparency? Why do we have to think about a hundred million times about what to say to our partner? Why not just tell them the truth. And then leave it up to them to either accept this or just let go. How long can things be actually hidden?

There is another wrong thing these days in a relationship. High expectations. You want him to be perfect. He is not. Ever thought that he would want you to be prefect as well. And maybe you just are not. Perfection differs from person to person. How do you expect someone to stand up to your perfection standards when they might not be aware of them or relate to them in anyway?

The third thing that is messed up is the trust. Why is trust an issue to all? If you are able to trust, you are called naive. And the moment you start poking your nose around looking for something wrong, you will find it.

All these issues arise because now we lead a two faced life. A face for the world. And a hidden face of ours. Face for the world gets you respect and fame. The hidden face. Well, that is exactly who you are, but you are afraid to show it to the world. Maybe your real face won't be accepted in the society. But like I have said before, how long can you hide the facts?

We can have better relationships as soon as we accept ourselves and accept the fact that people are unique. No one out there will think exactly like you or have the exact needs or the exact romance in them as you. Does that still make you fall in love with someone? Then good. But then again, always remember that things are not always meant to work out. Keep your eyes open. Know when it is not meant to work out and let go. That is the only way to peace. Not forcing them into staying with you. You won't die without that person with whom you are not happy.

You must be wondering that I either have too much experience or I am completely ignorant. It is the first one. I know all of this, because I have messed up in my relationships as well. My friends and I are doing most of the wrong things in a relationship. But then lets just note down the mistakes and try not to make the same mistakes again.

Happy "Finding  A Perfect Relationship".

55 Word Story : Relationship

There were a hundred reasons why they shouldn't be together. They liked different music. They liked different food. They believed in different gods. But then why were they together? It was because they both saw perfection in the imperfections of each other. Together, they were strong. Apart, survival was not possible. Together, there was love.

The Airport : 55 word story

There is a place, where you can find all the emotions together. Happiness as the long period of separation ends. Sorrow, because distances are about to increase. You find new ambitions. You can see the endurance of pain but also strength to move on for better. You find it all in one place. The Airport.

55 Word Story : Fear

She saw him looking straight at her. That look, she had seen this before, had fallen for it hard. She turned towards another direction. But her eyes went back to him. Again. The same look. Two years ago, she would have fallen in love. But ever since her heart broke, all she felt was fear.

55 Word Story : Name

She sat there. Trying to hide herself from the world and at the same time pouring her heart out to the world. People knew her opinions, her heart, her face. But what they didn't know, what she was hiding all this time, was her name. And there she sat fully visible and yet so abstruse.

55 word story : Space/Spaces

That dark  agonized  space was once illuminated with the rainbow of cultural diversity. Nothing was powerful enough to create any boundaries. This emptiness is tired of the cold hate and darkness of war. It thrives for the warmth of love and brightness of peace. That dark torn space wants no longer to be a space.

My Secret Diary

I have always wondered why would anyone have a personal diary? Why would you note down all your thoughts in one place and never have someone read it, but yourself. Aren't thoughts meant to be shared?


Why is it that we have to hide our real intentions or real feelings towards someone. Whether it be love or hate? Saying something can hurt, but at least it gets the whole uneasiness out of the way .. right?


I want to write down my thoughts in a personal diary, but have the whole world read it. I want to make my blog my personal diary. Most of the people I know in real life, don't have a clue about my blog. So I guess it would maintain some secrecy.


Friends tell me that I should keep secrets. But why. Why is that practical? To have secrets? I live alone. I can have a hundred million secrets if I wanted. But, that is just so boring and totally points to being a loner all together. I want to share my life, and my thoughts with the world. Maybe my thoughts are hurtful, maybe my thoughts will be helpful.


But at least you will know what I am thinking. I will be lesser of a mystery. To you and maybe even to myself.

Those scars and wounds

Here are the scars and wounds that I have.

Feel free to scrutinize  and mutilate them further. Feel better that you have made the correct decisions and that you have always done the right thing.

Here are my scars and wounds.
Make fun of them. Mock their existence. Feel smarter looking at them.The ones which tear my heart into pieces.

Here are those scars and wounds I have been talking about.
The ones you all knew were always there. The ones you thought only I could fix. The ones that you didn't want to witness when they took me nearer to death.

Here are those scars and wounds.
My pain. My life. Your ignorance towards them, even when you knew they were there.The ones you thought were only my way to portray my emotional drama.

You pretended alongside with me. Pretend like me, pretend that the smile on my face could hide those  scars and heal those wounds.

My very own scars and wounds.